Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
