you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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