the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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