also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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