Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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