last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
