It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I need moral support for this bender
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
