Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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