I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
