Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
