Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
