Princesses don't give blow jobs
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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