I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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