Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
