I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
