If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
