If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
