I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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