i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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