Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
