So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
