capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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