Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
