why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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