It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
