please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
