Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
