I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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