JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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