it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
