having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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