If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
