you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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