I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i think my cat just said my name.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
