**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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