I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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