I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
