Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
