I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
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Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
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Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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