did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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