So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
