Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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