We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
