Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
