his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
