Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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