You're completely useless in the revolution.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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