Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
