So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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