I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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