did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
