I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
