y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
