well I can't set my house on fire every night
you didnt know i had herpes?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize