So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
