Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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